Not Fade Away
by The Last Ronin
Summary: Five years have passed since Rachel gave her life to save her friends. But death holds no peace for the Warrior Princess and nothing, not even the loss of her memory will stop her from returning to the one she loves.
1. Not Fade Away

Well it's been a long time since I posted anything. A few weeks back I realized I'd never actually finished reading Animorphs and set about rectifying that. Three weeks later and I'm pissed at the ending. Saw it coming books before but still annoyed the hell outta me. My two favorite characters in the series got seriously shat upon in the final book so I decided to write my own damn ending and fix this.

Yes this is going to be another "Rachel comes back" fic. Don't like it then don't read. And bite me while you're at it. Not gonna be a long one; couple chapters tops so I will finish this one ^_^

Anyway, enjoy...or not lol

Oh before I forget, the usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

The Ellimist left me with much to think about. For a brief moment I felt pity for the creature: his race long since dead, himself alone with only the endless game he played with Crayak to keep him company.

However, my pity quickly turned to anger. He could have saved me. Choose not to. Rules he claimed: he could not interfere.

Bullshit. Pure and utter bullshit.

As far as I'm concerned he'd owed me. I could have accepted Crayak's offer all those months ago. I could have ended this war by killing the Ellimist's own champion; my cousin Jake. One death to save millions. No one would have condemned me for making that decision. But I'd refused Crayak; what he'd offered would have destroyed me and those I cared about.

Surely I deserved something for choosing as I did. But what did I get for being noble? Screwed. Sent to my death by the same cousin I'd refused to kill.

After awhile my anger burned itself out. From its ashes rose a crushing grief that would have choked the breath from me had I still had any. But I was dead. I couldn't breathe...didn't need to. I couldn't cry, couldn't give voice to the sob trapped within me. My friends, my family. I'd never see any of them again.

But most of all I missed him: neither friend nor family and yet both at the same time. Both and more. Always I came back to him. It had taken me a long time to realize my feelings for him and longer still to voice them. Through all the pain and grief of the war he was the one truly good thing that had happened to me.

He was there, always, even before I realized it myself. In my darkest moments, when I couldn't see where the monster inside me ended and I began he pulled me back, helped me see myself as he saw me: someone warm and kind and beautiful - someone worth saving.

I want to cry. Curse my inability to do so. I love him...never said it enough. Hadn't had enough time. No time. No time. Out of time.

I love him and my final act had been to hurt him. The tears in his human eyes looked so wrong, out of place. I hated seeing him cry, loved that he trusted me enough to let me see him do so, hated that I was reason for his pain. If I'd ever for even a moment doubted how he felt about me I knew for certain as I watched his heart break in the instant the morphed controller broke me.

So much I never got to say, to do. So much...

All at once weariness hits me. Never have I felt so tired before. Not even when I morphed back to back four or five times that time... My mind begins to get fuzzy and my memories start to look as if I'm watching them on a TV with very bad reception. They all look so strange, almost as if they belong to someone else...

No!

No! Those are my memories! Mine! My name is...my name is...?

Oh God! What is my name? no, no, no, no.

Ok forget my name, it doesn't matter so long as I can remember him. Without him there is no me and so long as there's him there will be me and I can be called anything at all. So long as there's him.

For a long time I struggle to hold his face, his name, within my mind. It's a losing battle, I already know...but I vaguely remember being used to those. But I have to win this one. No fight has ever been so important...I'm sure.

Over and over I repeat his name and focus on keeping his face firmly burned in my mind. But I'm slipping. His face is becoming blurrier and blurrier. More time passes between each repetition of his name.

Panic and fear sings through my mind.

No, no, no! No! Not like this! I can't go out like this.

"Please God!" I scream silently, "Anyone! Help me! Help me! Please I don't want to die, I don't want to die!"

I struggle on, repeating his name as often as I can remember it. I switch to his eyes rather than his whole face, forcing them into focus. Those eyes, if nothing else I have to hold onto them: those eyes that screamed his love for me as I died.

But they're fading too. This is to cruel. I must have done terrible things in my life - didn't everyone? - but certainly I wasn't such a horrible person to deserve this.

"Please," I beg again, "I'll go quietly, I promise. Just don't make me forget. I'll do anything. Just let me remember him!"

I can't stop it though and no one who can help cares enough to do so. Slowly his eyes fade, his name already gone and I weep silently for the person I can no longer remember.

His name...what is his name?...he's important I'm sure. If I could only remember.

If I could only...


	2. The Fall That Kills You

Probably should have stated this before the first chapter but better late than never I suppose. This story is set five years after the end of the war with the Yeerks. Everything plays out pretty much as it did in the final book except Ax never finds the Blade ship and gets captured by "The One". The Animorphs never reassemble and thus never go off into space.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

I float aimlessly on a pillow of warm air, my eyes not focused on anything. A slight headwind picks up and with an unconscious adjustment of my wings I ride it higher into the sky. I used to love flying - the freedom, the rush. But that's changed; the world's changed. Now flying is just something I do because well...I suppose I have to do something. And deep down I secretly hope that maybe, if I go high enough, I'll find the girl who used to fly with me.

But I won't. She's been gone...I don't know how long; time stopped meaning anything the moment I watched her die. My heart stopped in the same instant and hasn't restarted yet. I'm not even sure it's actually there anymore.

So many times I've thought about ending it all. It would be so easy: a power line, a car, a golden eagle. But I won't; partially because she died protecting me and I love her to much to let her death have been in vain.

Mostly, however, I'm afraid. Afraid that this life might be all there is. Afraid that if I die I'll never see her again.

So I fly. High as I can go, to where her memory still haunts me. It hurts, remembering the little time we had together...no time really. But I'll take the pain, gladly; it's all I have left to remind me that she existed aside from the small urn containing her ashes. The alternative is to feel nothing. Nothing but the emptiness that has filled me since she left.

The sun begins to set and I head for home, my stomach growling. I'm not hungry though. Most hawks hunt daily...I know I used to. Now though I usually wait until I'm close to starving. I just don't have the energy.

Approaching my meadow I fold my wings and drop. The ground rushes at me and for a split second I'm tempted to just let gravity take me; it's as easy a way out as any other I've thought about. Instead I flare my wings and land lightly on my branch.

My talons have barely dug into the soft wood of my tree when I realize something is wrong. Out of habit I quickly scan the area, looking for any lurking predators that wouldn't mind a sickly hawk for dinner. Other than the usual prey animals going about their business, however, I see nothing. Satisfied I'm not about to get attacked in the next few minutes, I turn back to examine my tree and stop. I stare, my mind unable to process what I'm seeing...not seeing actually. For a moment I forget how to breathe.

The urn is gone.

Impossible! I'd made sure it couldn't be seen from the ground and that it was secure enough to deter any animals from getting into it. I hop over to get a closer look but it's not there. I check the ground. Where is it?

Panic flows through me as I search the area. Not finding anything I drop to the ground and begin to morph. I haven't been human since...and I nearly fall on my face as I push into the bushes to continue my search. Where is it? Where is it? !

I yank aside the brush, ignoring the thorns that tear at my skin and the twigs that bite at my feet.

"Where is it? Where is it? !" I repeat over and over, my eyes stinging from the tears that are threatening to start. This is why I haven't gone human; a hawk can't cry.

"Did you lose something?" a voice calls from behind me and I freeze. My mind must be playing tricks on me again, there's no way I'm actually hearing this voice.

"I said, did you lose something?" she says again, "Maybe I can help you find it."

I squeeze my eyes shut, tears leaking from them, and try to will her voice away. I can't do this now, it's too much. If I do I'll completely lose whatever hold I have on my sanity.

"Are you ok?" she asks and I nearly breakdown at the sound of the worry I hear in her voice.

"No I'm not ok," I whisper, "not since you..."

"Not since I what?"

"Died," I choke out.

"Okaay...morbid much?" she giggles, "Look I'm sorry about your loss but I'm very much not dead."

I whirl on her and pause, my eyes tearing up again. The person before me looks too real to be another hallucination. It must be a trick of the light. Not to mention my human eyes are downright horrible. But a breeze picks up and teases her golden hair, blowing her familiar scent to me. I rock back on my heels. Sound, sight and smell; this is new. Normally it's just a voice in the wind or a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye.

For a minute I look at her. It is her, there's no mistaking it. That cocky stance, those fierce blue eyes, her devil-may-care grin. My dreams are never this vivid but that must be what's happening; it's the only explanation.

I just know I'm going to regret this when I wake up but I can't help myself. If this is the only way for us to be together then I'll take it and deal with the pain later.

"Hello Rachel," I try to remember how to smile.


	3. A Slight Case of Death

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

Rachel? Is that my name? I concentrate on the name 'Rachel' for a minute and quietly mouth the syllables, but no memory of it belonging to me forms in my head.

Not that this kid staring at me is helping any. He's got the oddest expression on his face too and I can't decide what exactly it is. My best guess is either he just won the lottery or he just saw a ghost. Although considering he's out in the woods wearing no shoes and some God awful combination of a ratty t-shirt and...bike shorts?...I doubt it's the first one.

Maybe he's just crazy. He was talking to himself when I found him after all. Plus there's the whole saying I died thing. Super creepy.

A small pressure on my hand drags me out of my thoughts. Did he just poke me? He reaches out and yes, yes he did poke me. Again he looks at me with that weird expression and crazy is starting to seem more and more likely.

Perhaps I should go...

Before I can put that plan into action he steps closer and wraps his arms around me. The air is crushed from my chest and I gasp. Ok so he's crazy and either really friendly or just doesn't understand the meaning of 'personal space'.

Leaving seems like a very good idea now, he's seriously creeping me out. Maybe if I don't do anything encouraging, like hug him back, he'll get the message and leave me alone.

For a long time he just holds me before he turns his head and his lips find mine.

What The Hell? !

Ok subtle isn't working, time for direct. I shove him away and as he stares at me, clearly surprised, I plant my fist on the side of his jaw.

Ow! Ok, direct...not such a good idea. I shake my hand to disperse the pain and back away from him. He rubs his jaw but is once again back to staring and I know this expression: confusion.

Wait...what? Confusion? I look at him closer. Maybe he does know me. Or at the very least he thinks he does. But to kiss me like that! He's confused me with his girlfriend? How in the...he's like twelve! There's no way I can be dating a twelve year old unless I'm also...I mean, I don't _feel_ twelve.

I look down at myself.

No, definitely not twelve. So how could he possibly think that I'm his girlfriend?

Oh, right, crazy. Now it makes sense. Time to go.

I turn and head away from him as quickly as I can.

"Rachel!" he calls after me and I hear him begin to follow.

"Look," I turn on him, "I don't have time for crazy people. I have enough problems of my own right now so leave me alone!"

"Wait, stop!" he grabs my hand as I turn away again but then drops it when I glare at him, "You...don't know me?"

His voice cracks as he says that last part and again I look at him. Who is he that he's this insistent? Who is he that he's half a second away from breaking down over the fact that I don't know him?

He takes a step closer and takes my hand again; I ignore it. Tears begin to form in my eyes now that my anger is fading and I don't feel the need to help him anymore. When I...woke up I guess...he was right there having what looked to be a panic attack so I hadn't even thought about who or where I was. My body just moved on it's own; he was in trouble, I had to help him. Now though all I feel is scared. Who am I? And where am I? How did I even get here? I don't remember anything.

"Please," he says quietly, looking considerably more sane now, "you don't know who I am?"

"I don't know who _I_ am," I whisper and shake my head to clear the tears that trickle down my cheeks.

He nods and hugs me - not like before but briefly, as if he's trying to convince himself of something.

"Well," he starts and grimaces, "I suspect I've finally lost my mind but I'll help you."

I laugh at the absurdity of needing help from someone who claims to be nuts. But I don't exactly have a mall full of people lining up to help me now either.

"So why exactly do you think you've lost your mind?" might as well find out now before he tries to convince someone that we're part of a government conspiracy that's covering up an alien invasion or something crazy like that.

"That or dreaming, though usually my dreams of you aren't this bizarre," he has a puzzled look on his face.

"Insane then, fantastic, now answer my question," I also want to know why he'd be dreaming of me in the first place but that'll have to wait.

"Because you're here," he looks like he's about to start crying again, "and you can't be, it's not possible."

"Why?" he really is messed up, poor kid...not that I'm much better off myself.

"A long time ago," he swallows heavily and then looks me in the eye, "a long time ago now, I watched you die."

I pull away from him and step back. He mentioned me having died earlier but I'm not dead, I know I'm not dead! A shiver runs up my spine and I hug myself. This kid's too morbid. But that's not why I suddenly feel cold. Despite the fact that I know I'm alive, there's this nagging part of me that says he's telling the truth.


	4. A Person Worth Remembering

Quick note. I'm using brackets [ ] for thought speech because this site won't let me use angle brackets. I hope it's not too confusing.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

[This is so cool!] she shouts as she dives passed me. We fly close together, largely because I don't want to let her out of my sight but also because what do we have to worry about? The Yeerks are gone. The worst that can happen is that some bird watchers think they've gone mad seeing a red-tailed hawk and a bald eagle flying together.

She twirls and soars around me, acting exactly like we all did the first time we'd morphed birds and flown. Floating on the thermals, watching her enjoying herself, for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm home.

It had taken me the night and most of the next morning to explain everything to her: who I was, the war, morphing...how she died...and the sun had begun it's decent before I finished. She'd been skeptical of course, but she hadn't run off screaming into the hills either. I'd been a bit worried that that's exactly what she would do around the time I had to demorph but she watched quietly - although she did make a few faces that made me wonder if she wasn't going to be sick.

She'd given me another look when I'd explained that she too could morph - the look someone gives a person they know isn't all there, but she'd tried anyway. Now I think she's convinced.

It had also taken me some time to accept that I wasn't dreaming, but after talking with her for several hours I'd realized there was no way I could be asleep.

She is still Rachel, of that I'm certain.

Every once in a while I see the girl I love: in the way she brushes her hair from her eyes, or in the sound of her laugh. But she's different too. She's as she was before the war changed her. Before she'd become the person her cousin would use as an assassin. She's the Rachel I never knew, the one I'd only ever caught fleeting glimpses of after a particularly hard battle or something especially horrific happened to one of us.

And I love her still.

Of course, none of that explains why she's alive so it's still possible that I've simply gone insane. But I don't care. She's alive and that's all that matters.

[Alright Tobias, I'll admit you had me nervous for a while but I'm certain you're not crazy,] she laughs as she pulls up next to me.

[Yeah well the jury is still out on that one but I'm glad you're in my corner,] I can't help but laugh with her; I've missed this more than I can put words to.

[So where are we going?] she asks, drifting close enough that her wing tips brush mine.

[Huh?] her question catches me off guard, I'd been too busy enjoying flying with her again.

[You said you had something you wanted to show me...,] she prompts.

[Oh yeah,] I chuckle at how easily distracted I am by her, [Well we don't have to if you don't want to, but I was going to show you the park they dedicated to you.]

[They dedicated a _park_ to me?] I can hear the disbelief in her thoughts but all things considered she's been taking the whole having died thing quiet well.

[Yeah, it was actually a cool ceremony now that I think about it. Everyone gave speeches, even the president.]

[Everyone? You too?] I cringe slightly as she asks that.

[No.] I admit [After you died I...well it was a very bad time for me. I wasn't in any shape to give a speech. It was a long time before I could even bear to be around anyone else.]

[I'm sorry.] she says after a long moment of silence.

[It wasn't your fault,] I say quickly, [it was a war. The fact that we all survived as long as we did was nothing short of a miracle.]

[It's not that,] she hesitates, [it's just that...I don't remember any of it...and you've been great to me and all but I don't think I can be the girl you remember.]

She's right. For all I know the girl I knew during the war is gone forever. Not necessarily a bad thing. No one knows better than me how much pain she suffered over what the constant battles did to her.

[Rachel,] I say at last [you were my only...my best friend long before we were anything more. I'm quite aware of the impossible set of circumstances that must have occurred to make you fall in love with me. When you died it nearly killed me and for so long now I've wished it was all just a bad dream; that I'd wake up and you'd be alive again. Now here you are. If we're never again anything more than just friends I'll still be happier than I have been in a long time just because you're alive.]

[Tobias, that was,] she pauses, [really sweet. Thank you.]

[I do hope of course, I won't lie,] I add, [but I don't want you to feel pressured. If this is all that will ever be between us then it will be enough.]

For a while she drifts behind me and we fly in silence. Maybe I went to far? Said to much. She must really think I'm a hopeless loser now.

[How much further?] she finally asks and I look around to confirm our location.

[About a minute, this way,] I bank to my right and begin descending. I can see the park in the distance: a large, lightly wooded area overlooking the ocean.

We land in a tree across from a monument seated at the top of a small cliff. Although it's getting late there's a small group of people still here.

"Mommy, mommy. What's this?" a little girl asks, yanking on her mother's sleeve.

"It's a memorial to a young woman who died saving us from the Yeerks," the mother answers, her voice hitching as if she's holding back tears.

"Oh," the little girl says, obviously too young to remember the war and thus already bored.

The woman walks up to the large stone and kneels next to it, resting her hand on it as she does.

"Thank you," she whispers and I can hear the tears in her voice now, "you saved me from slavery and gave me a chance to bring my daughter into a better world."

She sits there holding her child and crying for some time before slowly collecting herself and moving off.

[Tobias?] Rachel says quietly, [Can we go? I think I've seen enough.]

[Of course. You need to demorph soon anyway.]

We take flight and head back towards my meadow.

When we arrive she demorphs and sits at the base of my tree. For a long time she doesn't say anything. I just watch and leave her to her thoughts.

"Can you become human again?" she asks eventually.

[Sure.] I land and begin to morph, [You ok?]

"Yeah," she nods and then wraps her arms around me in a hug as I finish morphing, "thank you for showing me that."

"Sure thing," I carefully hug her back, not sure what's going through her head right now. She doesn't pull away though and we stay like that for a while.

"I want my memory back," she says at last.

"You do?" I try to hide the hope in my voice.

"Earlier at the memorial," she trembles slightly, as if trying to withhold a sob, "someone who could do the things written on that stone, who could cause someone who didn't even know her to cry in gratitude. That's a person worth being."

"On the risk of sounding selfish, I'll do whatever I can to help," I hug her tighter.

She laughs.

"Thanks."


	5. A Second Chance

I love how stories can take on a life of their own when the world and characters are well developed (and I'm not claiming any credit for either of those here).

Originally I had intended this chapter to go in an entirely different direction but as I started writing in my notepad both Rachel and Tobias made it quite clear to me that they weren't ready to go where I intended to take them. I am not ashamed to admit that they know best.

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

I wake up with a mouthful of moldy hay and quickly spit it out. Ick, where am I? Sitting up I look around and the previous day comes rushing back to me.

A long story: the construction site, Andalites, Yeerks, morphing, a three year secret war that I didn't survive. A park containing a memorial to a dead girl. Words carved into the stone face: "In loving memory; friend; daughter; soldier; Hero". A woman clutching her child and weeping her thanks for a girl she never knew.

Me.

Or so I've been told. I still don't remember.

Even this place is something I'm supposed to know, according to a hawk named Tobias. Supposedly this barn was the command center of the resistance in the early days of the war. That's why I'm here. Tobias thinks being around things I once knew might jog my errant memory. It might be working too but I'm not sure. From the moment I stepped into this place I've had the vaguest feeling that something is missing. Fleeting images floating just on the edge of my vision.

I get the sense that these rusty cages should be full, that there should be someone doing something to their occupants. I keep expecting to see someone else laying in the hay I slept in last night. Every so often I see what looks to be a blue...horse? over by one of the stables. But the most constant image is a large bird sitting in the rafters, overlooking the entire scene like some sort of guardian angel.

[What are you thinking?]

I jump as the voice enters my head.

[Sorry. And good morning.]

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. A large bird sits on top of one of the cages, watching me. I hadn't even heard him fly in.

"Tobias," a small smile unintentionally pulls at my lips though I don't know why, "morning to you too."

For a minute I swear he smiles back at me though I can't figure out how a hawk can do that. Perhaps it's something with his eyes.

[Sleep well?] he asks, fixing a few feathers absently.

"Well, it's not the Hilton," I grin and stretch, "but it feels...familiar."

[Oh? How so?] there's hope in his voice and it's infectious. Even though I know he has his own reasons for wanting my memory to return I don't feel angry at him. It just feels good to have someone rooting for me.

"You should be up there," I point towards the rafters.

I swear he smiles again and then flies up to sit where I pointed.

[Like this?]

"Yeah," I nod, "And someone should be sitting here instead of me."

[Marco,] he nods, a somewhat awkward gesture for a hawk.

"These cages should be full...hurt animals?" I squint and I can almost see them, "and someone should be taking care of them."

[Cassie,] he nods once again.

"Do horses come in blue?" even I know that sounds weird. Tobias laughs, not making fun of me, just an amused laugh.

[That would be Ax, he's an Andalite...they do sorta look like blue horses from a distance.] he chuckles again, [We actually tried to pass him off as one a few times.]

"That didn't work, did it?" I think that's what his tone implied.

[No, not usually,] he admits, his eyes smiling again.

"There's someone else...a guy? Standing in the center...there," I point.

[Jake,] Tobias says and I look at him, momentarily surprised by the anger I heard when he said that name.

"You..you didn't get along with him?" I ask. I know my memory is mostly non-existent but anger just seems wrong coming from this boy who is a hawk.

[It's not that,] he winces, [Jake is your cousin and he was our leader. It was his choice to send you alone to kill his brother, knowing it was a suicide mission. He knowingly sent you to die.]

"And you hate him for that?" I don't blame him if he does. How could anyone send another to die like that? It's cruel...and cold. It doesn't sound at all like a person I would have followed.

[No.] he says after several minutes, [I mean, at first I thought I did but really it was myself that I hated.]

"What? Why?"

[Because, you knew that mission was going to kill you,] I can hear the tears in his voice, but of course, a hawk can't cry, [you knew and I didn't see it. Our last night together I should have known something was wrong and I didn't realize...I should have been with you! Maybe if I had been...You were my partner. We survived as long as we did, as much as we did, because we were always there for each other, no matter how bad things got. But when you needed me the most, I wasn't there. I wasn't there and you died because of it.]

He falls silent again and looks away...embarrassed perhaps at his outburst. His words play over again in my head and I feel my cheeks heat. How in the world could I have possibly deserved to have someone in my life who loved...loves me this much? He's been trying to hide it for my sake, to not pressure me, but memory or no I can see it in every look he gives me, hear it in every word he speaks to me.

And God, there's a part of me that wants to deserve his feelings...to be able to return them. But I can't, not like this. It just feels wrong; like I'm trying to steal some other woman's husband or boyfriend.

"But you're here now," I say quietly.

[What?] he ruffles his feathers and looks back at me.

"You're here now...fighting for me," my cheeks heat again; I like the sound of that.

[That doesn't change what happened,] he says bitterly and looks away again, [I'm still too late.]

"Or maybe you're just in time," I say a little more forcefully than I'd intended, "Maybe what happened was supposed to happen."

[What do you mean?] he looks at me again.

"Look, you didn't realize something was wrong and maybe it would have made a difference if you had. But maybe it wouldn't have," I take a deep breath, "maybe had you been with me you would have gotten killed instead or maybe we both would have died."

[I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat,] he says without hesitation and my cheeks heat once more. Damn it I have to stop doing that!

"But what if everything that happened happened exactly the way it was supposed to so that we would end up here, now." I swallow and continue on quickly before I lose my nerve, "What if this is our second chance...to do things right. Yes you should have known something was wrong, but I shouldn't have kept it a secret from you either."

[I hardly think that's a fair trade. You died...]

"And you've been alone all this time," I interrupt, "but we were what? Sixteen and constantly in battle, never knowing if we'd be alive the next day. Of course we clung to each other like our lives depended on it...they did."

[What are you saying?] he asks and I cringe at the anger in his voice, [That what we had wasn't real?]

"No!" I say too quickly and mentally smack myself, I don't want to get his hopes up...or mine for that matter, "But you said it yourself. It was an impossible set of circumstances. If we had both survived then what? How would we have ever known if what we had was real or simply a result of the situation we had been in? We were both desperate for anything to make us feel normal and even I know that that's not a solid foundation for a relationship."

I stop, my mouth dry. I feel exhausted all of a sudden; exhausted and filthy. Slowly I stand and stretch, my body sore from sitting for so long. I tell Tobias I'll be back in a bit, but he doesn't answer, and head into the main house. It's obviously been abandoned for a long time but for some reason the utilities are still on.

Whoever lived here must have left in a hurry because they left a lot behind. I spend a few minutes ransacking some drawers for a change of clothing. Whoever they belonged to was shorter than me and had horrible fashion sense but I manage to find a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that should fit. I'm not so desperate that I'm going to wear someone else's underwear though so it looks like I'll have to make due with my morphing outfit for now.

I turn my attention to some of the other cabinets around the house and try to ignore the mouse droppings everywhere. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Hey, score! An unopened toothbrush and a hairbrush the looks like it's never been used. All right, things are really looking up now.

A short time later I haul my small stash of clothing and personal care products, that might still be useable, into the bathroom and turn on the water in the shower. The room is somewhat dusty but fairly clean...the mice having apparently been kept occupied elsewhere in the house. An old dust rag quickly turns the room into something resembling a bathroom a person would use.

Stripping down I carefully set my shoes aside. Thank God whoever brought me back saw fit to give me those. Then I do my best to clean my socks and leotard in the sink. I wring all three pieces of clothing until they're almost dry and then hang them up on some old hangers.

Content that I've done all I can, I step into the shower and sigh as the warm water washes over me. Wow, I've missed this. It's been, well, years since I had a hot shower. For a moment the memory of another shower and a pair of arms around me tickles the back of my mind. My heart leaps in my chest and goose bumps form on my arms. What was that? I shiver and hug myself...maybe I shouldn't take to long in here.

A while later I step outside, feeling much more like a human being than I did when I went in. The sun shines brightly in the lightly clouded sky and I smile at it. Tobias is waiting for me in his human morph and for a moment my smile gets bigger before falling as I see his troubled expression.

"Feeling better?" he asks, he's wearing some of the old clothing from one of the drawers where I got mine from. Although certain pieces had told me the previous owner was a girl, most of what she owned had been unisex.

"Much," I reply, trying not to let his mood darken my own.

He comes over and wraps me in a tight hug. After a minute of wondering what's going on I return it.

"I'm sorry," he says as he pulls away, "about getting mad at you earlier."

"I shouldn't have said what I did," I begin to dig a hole in the dirt with the toe of my sneaker. Who am I to question what our relationship had been before I died? I don't remember any of it. I'm just basing my guesses off of what he's told me so far.

"No, I get it," he takes a deep breath, "and you're right. We wouldn't have ever known."

"Tobias I didn't..."

"You're right, maybe this is our second chance, to find out, to do things right," he pauses for a moment, "to find out if there had never been a war and we were just a boy and a girl if we could still have been together."

I look at him. He's completely serious but I can already tell that he realizes the one flaw in his plan. This is beyond Romeo and Juliet here. We're not just a boy and a girl whose families hate each other. He's a hawk and I'm a human with no real memory of herself. How can this possibly work?

"We'll make it work," he says, confirming that our thoughts were on the same wavelength, "I'm not going to worry about your lost memory anymore. If it comes back, excellent, if not, oh well."

"Tobias, if I don't get my memory back I don't see how we even have a chance," I'm looking for excuses here and I'm fairly certain he knows it too.

"It's simple," he steps closer, "I somehow made you fall in love with me once before. I'll just have to do it again."

I blush slightly. It's not so simple but I'm going to let him try anyway. Not that he'll have to try hard. I'm halfway there already.

"So with that being said, Rachel, I don't have much to offer but would you like to go out on a date with me?" he holds out his hand.

I look at his face, smiling now, all traces of his earlier, darker, mood gone. No, he's not going to have to try hard at all. I take his offered hand.

"I would love to go on a date with you Tobias," I smile back at him. Maybe we are doomed. But I intend to find out.


	6. Long Ago And Far Away

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...with a soon to be double update!

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

The sun slowly sets over the ocean, it's fading light setting the water ablaze with color. In the distance a pod of dolphins play in the waves. An occasional seagull caws overhead but, as this beach is isolated and surprisingly free of garbage, they aren't interested in staying.

Rachel leans lightly against my side, one hand entwined in mine, the other absently doodling in the sand. The expression on her face is so comical that I can barely keep from laughing. It's not funny, really; she's trying to remember.

We've come here several times in the last couple of days. The first time was because, during another lifetime, this was a favorite place of ours: a sanctuary where we could escape from the war. But all she remembers is that this place was important someway. I'm not sure why exactly she's fixated on this place, though I have a pretty good guess. It's hardly the only place we used to spend time together, but it's the one that, in my mind at least, is the most important.

"It's getting dark. Ready to call it a day?" I ask.

"Five more minutes mom," she grumbles and I can't help but laugh.

"What?" she looks at me and I can see her replaying what she had just said, "Oh." A smile pulls at her mouth and soon she too is laughing.

"Come on," I stand and pull her to her feet.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs and hugs me, "I can't remember what happened here."

"Don't worry about it," I hug her back, "like I said, if it happens it happens. If not, I'm still happy you're alive."

"No," she shakes her head, "there's something here that's important...I can feel it...I have to remember."

"Want a hint?"

"Yes. No." she shakes her head again, "No. I want to know but I need to remember."

"Ok," I begin to demorph while she morphs her bald eagle.

[That's so creepy to watch,] I can hear her shudder.

[You should see insects. I still dunno what's worse: fly or cockroach.] I shudder myself.

[Wait a minute. I can turn into a cockroach?] she asks, unmasked horror in her voice.

[They were useful. Go anywhere, impossible to kill, decent senses for bugs.]

[And I think I'm going to be sick.]

[Yeah that pretty much describes morphing insects.]

[Fantastic, insects. Some superheroes we were,] she grumbles, [how did we all not die of embarrassment?]

[We Animorphs lived a glorious life,] I laugh, [birds by day, cockroaches by night, mall-rats on the weeken...]

Wait a second. How could I have been so stupid? If there's one place she'll be sure to both enjoy and remember it's the mall.

[Hey, Tobias!] Rachel yells, watching me from my right, [Wake up Tobias!]

I blink and realize we'd just flown over the barn. A quick adjustment, however, and we zoom inside a minute later. Rachel is demorphing before her talons even hit the ground and I quickly begin to morph myself. Hawk is great but right now I need hands.

"Are you okay?" she asks once her mouth is back in working order, "You spaced out for a few minutes there."

Rather than answer I begin poking around the floor by one of the stalls...where is that loose...my foot goes through one of the boards. Found it. I push aside rotten wood and pull out a small plastic card and a crumpled piece of paper.

"Here we go," I hand Rachel the card and she gives me a puzzled expression.

"A credit card...an old credit card?" she looks at it closer, "In your name?"

"Debit actually...it's tied to a checking account," I explain when she gives me another puzzled look, "I think. Supposedly there's money in it."

"How much?"

I look down at the piece of paper, Rachel reading over my shoulder. There's two numbers: a four digit PIN and a dollar amount.

"Whoa...that's a lot of zeros," she whistles and then laughs, "so who did you steal this from?"

"Cassie told me about it a few years ago...I think," I shrug, "said it was in case I needed anything. I'm a hawk though, what do I need money for?"

"Oh so you've been holding out on me," Rachel laughs again, a grin on her face, "I didn't take you for the type to have a sugar momma."

"What? No! I only really knew her through you."

"Ah, so that's how it is then. After I died this broad decided to move in on my bird," she says, her voice full of mock anger as she slips a hand into mine.

I stare at her for a minute and then laugh.

"You know I don't know whether to be flatter or insulted by that comment," I shake my head.

"Flattered, definitely," she laughs again and drops down onto a pile of hay, "so what are you going to do with your new-found wealth?"

"I thought you might like to get back into your favorite hobby," I'm probably going to regret this in some way but if it helps her...

"And what would that be?" she looks at me, obviously curious.

"Shopping."

Her eyes light up.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"I remember this!" Rachel laughs as she drags me into another store.

I'm already carrying half a dozen bags for her but she attacks a rack of clothing as if she's just getting started...which she probably is. I'd remembered that she loved shopping. I had forgotten exactly how much she loved it. I just hope she keeps in mind that we have to carry all of this back with us.

No, she probably won't.

Six or seven stores later and I have to excuse myself to find a bathroom in which to demorph and remorph.

Good for another two hours, I quickly make my way back to where I left her, thankful that the mall isn't that crowded today. My years away from humans haven't exactly made me more comfortable around them.

Rachel is sitting on a bench, her purchases piled around her like spoils of war. She has an odd expression on her face as she takes a sip from a drink of some sort and stares at one of the bags.

"Having fun?" I ask as I sit down next to her.

She jumps and nearly chokes on her drink.

"Tobias!" she says once she's regained her breath. Immediately her face turns bright red and she looks away, her eyes drifting back to the bag she'd been looking at.

I glance at the label. Victoria's Secret. Ah...I'd left her alone for that one. Maybe if she remembered more already I'd have gone in with her. Now though I think it just would have been awkward.

Seeing where I'm looking she quickly stuffs the bag into another.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I realize her face has gotten even redder. Surely she's not embarrassed that I know she went underwear shopping? Maybe she's feeling sick?

"No, no I'm fine," she mumbles and pushes my hand away before I can feel her forehead, "I just..."

She watches me out of the corner of her eye, her face still red as an apple. What is going on? I can tell she wants me to say something but I'm a pigeon if I know what it is.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" I take one of her hands and she flinches. Now she's starting to scare me.

"Nothings wrong," she says quietly, dropping her head so her hair hides her face, "I just..."

Gently I push her hair back and then turn her face so she's looking at me. She doesn't resist but I can see she's nervous.

"Please, you're scaring me," I lower my voice, "what's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter," she sighs, "I just...I remembered what was so important about the beach."

"That's great!" it takes me a moment to process why this has upset her so. Then it hits me, "Oh..."

"I thought that maybe we had our first kiss there," she mumbles, "but you...and then I...and we..."

I place a finger against her lips to stop her. She doesn't have to explain. I get it...oh how I get it. What happened that night was one of the reasons losing her had been so painful.

"Did anyone else know?"

"No," I shake my head, "we were going to wait till after the war was over to tell everyone."

Tears sparkle in her eyes and she quickly wipes them away. Still, she looks like she's about to breakdown at any moment.

"That night, did you mean what you said?" she asks once she collects herself.

"Yes I did Rachel," I hold her eyes with my own and squeeze her hand, "I meant every word."


	7. No Future For You

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

We didn't talk on the trip home. Thankfully Tobias realized I had a lot I needed to think about.

Once back at the house I told him I wanted to be alone for a while and went to lay down in one of the bedrooms. The sheets are musty and mouse-eaten but I don't care.

The excitement I'd gotten while shopping has been obliterated by the magnitude of what I'd remembered. I should have known, should have suspected. But thinking back over the past...has it only been a week?...I can't put my finger on anything that would have given it away.

I don't know how he's managed to keep quiet about this. And the pain he must be in seeing me like this! Knowing what he does. Knowing what we'd had...what we were going to be. I'm such a fool.

A few tears leak from my eyes and I wipe them away. I should leave. It's selfish of me to use him like this. At least until I get my memory back. Maybe if that happens he'll be able to forgive me. Maybe it'll make all this okay.

But I know I won't leave. That option vanished the moment he said my name a week ago. Of course, it may not have even been an option then. He hasn't lied to me once, so I know what he said earlier is true...that my memory is real.

From both his words and actions I'd understood that we'd been close. We had been dating...as best a girl and a boy who is a hawk could in the middle of a war. But to think we had been more than simply - simply! - girlfriend and boyfriend.

I turn over and look at the ceiling. This is too much to deal with right now. I feel like my head is going to explode...unless of course my heart gets there first. What had happened that night should have made me the happiest girl on the planet. And it had; five years ago - in another life. Now I'm just confused.

Confused because I can't figure out why I'm confused. I am the girl Tobias loves, even if I don't fully remember it. And I am the girl who loves him back. There's no denying it. The longer I spend with him and the more my memory returns the more true that one fact becomes.

Part of me is angry. I feel as if I never had a choice in the matter. And I'm angry at myself for being angry. I had had a choice. Eight years ago. Just because I don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

But I feel cheated somehow. Surely we didn't just wake up one day loving each other. So much time lost to me...how did we go from barely knowing one another, as he told me was once true, to here? To the here where simply believing he might be in pain hurts me.

God, Tobias! That night on the beach he told me he was going to stay human once the war was over. He wanted to stay human so he could marry me.

I'd been ecstatic; higher than any battle had ever gotten me. The one huge fear I'd had about us had been put to rest with that single statement. There was a future for us.

I hadn't hesitated in accepting his proposal, once I'd recovered from the shock of course. Neither one of us had any idea how we were going to make it work - we were so young! - but we were going to try.

That night was the first we spent together. Two scared kids, so full of hope for the future. It had been awkward and embarrassing and utterly perfect. For a brief stretch of time the war had vanished. All that mattered was us: a boy and a girl in love.

A month later, the war was over.

I was dead. No future for us.

It's been over five years for him. For me it was a just over a week ago. A little over a week ago I'd had everything I thought I'd ever want within my grasp. Now...now I just feel as if I'm more lost than ever.

I turn over again and look out the window. Somewhere out there Tobias is watching, his recently re-assembled heart waiting for me. Waiting for me to either heal it or shatter it to the wind. It's a lot of pressure, to be responsible for someone else's heart.

There's really only one question left for me to answer. One question that will decide whether I save him or destroy him. A question I'd often wondered a long time ago. One which I'd once thought answered.

My own desire aside, is there a future for us?

It's an important question: one which needs more than a single night contemplating. But the longer it takes me to figure out the answer, the more afraid I am that the answer will be 'no'.


	8. We Were Soldiers

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

I drift over the house and barn; a quick look just to make sure Rachel's okay and then I head away. We haven't spoken in the week since she remembered we'd been engaged before the war ended. She needs time to think. Perhaps I do too.

She's kept herself occupied in several ways. A few times she's gone off into the forest alone; hiking I suppose. It's hard not to follow when she does that. The forest has plenty of things that wouldn't hesitate to attack a full grown human, let alone a teenage one. But I have to leave her be, at least until she's ready to talk. Besides, she can take care of herself. We Animorphs are difficult to kill.

Somehow though, that thought doesn't comfort me.

For a while I fly aimlessly, but eventually my wings carry me to the place I've been unconsciously heading all morning: Rachel's memorial. I land across from the monument and morph to human. As out of place as I feel when I'm my old self I need to think, and my hawk self would just be a bundle of nerves sitting in the open like this.

Maybe I need a hobby, something to take my mind off of things for a while, but what can a hawk really do? Rachel began channeling her inner Martha Stuart and set about cleaning and repairing what parts of the house she could. Although she was probably just looking for something, anything, to take her mind off things I'd never thought of her as a homemaker before.

Sitting there, looking at the memorial it really hits me, what she'd said after I took her here. The girl I'd fallen in love with had been a warrior: forged in the bloody flames of a war she hadn't asked to be dropped in the middle of. But before that she had simply been a girl who loved shopping and gymnastics. That was a side of her I'd never really known. Rachel the warrior I knew, respected, loved. Rachel the teenager though...

"Son, you look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders," a gruff voice says from my left.

I look over and squint - I don't know if I'll ever get used to these weak human eyes. Next to me is a man in his fifties...maybe. One of his legs is noticeably shorter than the other and he's missing an eye along with several of his fingers.

"Mind if I sit?" he gestures to the ground beside me.

"Free country," I grumble, irritated at his intrusion.

"That it is," he chuckles and carefully lowers himself down.

He just sits for a time, looking at the monument or the ocean or the sky. Or maybe he's looking at all three.

"This place makes me both proud and sad," he says at last and then continues before I can say anything, "proud that my country can still produce a person as courageous as this young woman must have been; sad because I'd hoped I'd never have to see another person so young killed by war."

He shakes his head, muttering to himself for a moment.

"Such a shame. I was in 'Nam...saw to many young people die. We'd hoped that we'd never have to see another war like that again," he sighs, "course, I suppose we say that about every war. How about you? Which war were you in?"

He's joking, probably thinks he's just trying to cheer up a kid down in the dumps over something that happened at school. So he looks slightly surprised when I answer seriously.

"Yeerks."

For a minute he examines me closer, sizing me up.

"A bit young to have been in that one aren't you?" he asks, not mocking, just trying to understand.

"I'm older than I look," I shrug. He looks at me closer still, his eyes shifting from me to the memorial and back again.

"You knew her, didn'tcha," he gestures to the stone.

I could lie. Probably should, it's all that has kept me going for so long. A lie. But I'm tired of lying, tired of not being able to talk to anyone. Maybe this old soldier...

"She was my best friend, my partner," a few tears slide down my face, "we were going to get married after the war."

"But she died," he finishes after it becomes obvious that I can't, "I am sorry."

"For a long time I kept hoping it was all just a bad dream, that I'd wake up and she'd be alive again," I shake my head, suddenly angry, "but it's not a dream. She's gone."

We sit for a while in silence save the wind in the trees and the chatter of passing families.

"Do you miss her?" he asks eventually.

"Of course I do! What kind of..."

"Then she mattered." he cuts me off, "never mind what happened. If you still miss her then she mattered, to you if no one else. And so long as that's true, a part of her will never really die.

"Look son, It's hard, always will be, but you can do one of two things: roll over and let the grief take you or try to live your life the best you can."

"How?" I sob quietly, "I had nothing before her."

"I don't know exactly how you feel, but this is what I tell myself to help deal with the friends I lost: put on the happiest smile you can," he says, "tell yourself that you can make it through the next minute. Then through the next two, five, ten. Start small and keep going up. Don't do it alone either, don't cut yourself off from the world, drown yourself in it."

"And that helps?" I look up and notice tears in his own eyes.

"I don't know," he admits, getting up, "I'll tell you when I get that far."

"Thank you," I say to him as he brushes the seat of his pants off. He places a hand on my shoulder, smiles and limps away.

Maybe I couldn't tell him everything, but it feels good to have been able to talk about what I could. My circumstance is a bit more complex than he knows, but maybe his advice still applies.

I stand, demorph and take to the sky. Air-born, I circle for a minute till I spot the old soldier ambling slowly along the path and then drop to land in front of him. He looks at me, startled.

[Thank you,] I repeat and take off again, heading for the house this time. I need to talk to Rachel. Even if she isn't ready to speak to me just yet. She doesn't have to say anything if she doesn't want to. But I do.

What a fool I've been. For all my bravado about not caring if her memory returns or not all I've been doing is trying to make her remember. But it's for me that I really want her to remember, not her. I want the girl I love back, the girl I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

But her memory returning may not be what's best for her. Sure we had some good times and I would love for her to remember those. But mixed in with those are a lot of very bad memories too. Do I really want her to suffer all of that again just so I can be with her like we used to be? And what does that say about my feelings for her? Nothing good I'm sure.

The old Rachel would have said she'd walk barefoot through hell for me. And she would have too, no matter how much it hurt her.

The new Rachel...or the older Rachel as it may be...she never had to make such a choice. And in the world as it is now she shouldn't have to. There is no more secret war. The warrior Rachel isn't needed here. This is teenage Rachel's world.

The war made me who, what, I am now: there's no going back for me. The person the war had turned Rachel into, however, died more than five years ago aboard the Blade Ship. Perhaps it's time I stop carrying her ghost around and let her rest.

Maybe Rachel was right when she said this was a second chance; a second chance for her to live a normal life. The life she should have lived had there never been a war. A life I have no place in.

Maybe it's time for me to let her go.

I just don't know if I can.


	9. I'll Fight With Everything I've Got

Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I was busy hiding from a crazy, wooden spoon wielding fan.

That aside, we're almost done o.o

Just one more chapter followed by the epilogue and it'll be over!

Stay tuned!

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

I don't hear the car pull up; the music I'm playing while fixing a loose floor board is too loud. But that's exactly what I want. My head is packed tight with too many thoughts; I can't think straight. So I'm trying to drown them out.

It's not really working.

"Excuse me? Is anyone home?" a voice, followed by loud knocking drifts over the song that's playing; some depressingly sad love song that has tears streaming down my face.

I quickly collect myself and turn off the radio. At the door I glance through one of the windows and step back with a curse. A short haired, dark skinned woman stands waiting, nervously playing with a sleeve on her navy pantsuit. Fantastic, it's probably child services or something. I so don't need this right now.

For a moment I consider running. They'd never be able to catch me. And if by some miracle they did they'd never be able to hold me. But I don't particularly feel like playing games right now. I've too much to do. Besides, I don't like running away.

"Can I help you?" I ask as I open the door a couple inches and peer out. The woman stares at me, her mouth open. Must be the wrong house, guess I can't help her after all. I start to close the door.

"No! Wait!" she yells, grabbing the knob and jamming her foot in the door, "Rachel? Rachel is that you?"

"Yes my name is Rachel." I answer slowly, looking closer at the woman, "Who are you?"

"My God," the woman gasps, her eyes wide, "It is you! But how?"

Before I can say anything she pulls the door open, throws her arms around me and bursts into tears.

What the hell is up with the people around here? Doesn't anyone understand the phrase 'personal space'? It takes me a few minutes to disentangle myself from her. Free at last, though, I hold her at arms length and examine her. There's a vague feeling of recognition, like I should know her, but I'm drawing a blank.

"I'm sorry," she grins, drying her eyes, "I didn't mean to attack you like that. It's just, it's been five years! We all thought you were dead...we watched you die!"

"I've been getting that a lot lately," I shake my head, "but could we please just skip to the part where you tell me who you are?"

**x-x-x-x-x**

Cassie. My best friend - or so I've been told. My memory, however, is still refusing to cooperate. She still seems familiar. But even after talking for a while nothing's ringing any bells.

Although, on the bright side, it hadn't taken me long to explain to her what was going on. Stories aren't very long when you don't know them. Heck, it had almost taken longer to hunt up something I could offer her to drink. I hadn't exactly been expecting company.

"So how did you find me?" I ask once I've caught her up on most of what's happened the past few weeks.

In response she produces a piece of paper with a lot of writing. It's a bank statement...with everything I've bought since my shopping trip when I...

"I started this account for Tobias in case he needed anything. Jake and Marco added to it too," she explains, "I've kept an eye on it, mostly to see where he is. Not that it helped any, he never used it. Then suddenly a week ago all this appeared. I was relieved, actually, I thought maybe he'd finally..."

She trails off but I know how she was going to finish. She thought he had finally gotten over me. I wince slightly as my heart gives a little twinge as I think about that.

"Then I saw this," she points to one particular purchase, "and I began to wonder why he was shopping at Victoria's Secret."

"Maybe he decided to try cross dressing?" I offer with a laugh, "Or you know, he could have been buying something for a girl."

"I came up with a lot of possibilities," she grins, "but in the end I just decided to check it out myself. You can imagine my shock when I asked the saleswoman to describe the buyer and she gave me a perfect description of you. Even identified you in a photo I showed her."

"I don't look that different from any other blond haired, blue eyed girl. It could have been anyone," I point out.

"True, but given the who the cardholder is and the fact that I still don't know anyone who can shop like you, I was fairly certain...though I still don't know how it's possible." she laughs, "Speaking of Tobias, I'm assuming you've seen him since you have his card. So where is he? I'd thought he'd be glued to you."

I wince again. I've been waiting for that question but I'm still not sure I want to answer it. Or can.

"Did something happen?" Cassie asks when I don't answer, obvious concern in her voice. Go figure. Of course she's the intuitive type.

"We're giving each other some space," I sigh. I probably shouldn't be talking about this but I really do want to get it off my chest. "Part of my memory returned last week and it made things...awkward."

"How so?" she's still concerned but she can't hide her curiosity. I take a deep breath.

"About a month before I...died, he asked me to marry him. I said yes."

"That's it?" she asks and then pauses, "Wait that didn't come out right. I mean you didn't remember anything else?"

"I remember that entire night," I feel my face redden and quickly continue, "but nothing else. I don't have any idea how we got there."

She nods, sipping at her iced tea and is quiet for a few minutes. I avoid her eyes, my face still hot. Surely she's figured out exactly what happened after I'd agreed to marry Tobias that night.

"I think I understand," she says at last, "so what are you going to do about it?"

"Well I want to get my memory back of course," I refill my own glass and take a sip.

"Do you?" she asks quietly, watching me over her drink.

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't I?"

"I get that you want answers beyond what you're being told," she tries to smile, but it turns into a grimace, "but there are a lot of nightmares in those memories too. We all have them. Things we wish we could forget...wish we could undo."

"Undo?" I ask and she waves me off.

"If your memory returns you'll know what I mean," she stands, looking at her watch, "I need to get going. If your memory doesn't return and you still want to know, I'll explain."

She pulls me into another hug and I awkwardly return it. I still don't really know her.

"You're not going to tell anyone I'm here, are you?" I ask, nervous about what the answer may be, "I don't think I can deal with anyone else that I'm supposed to know right now."

"I won't if you don't want me to," she smiles and hands me a card, "you can reach me here when you're ready to return to the world. I'll tell you where your family and everyone else is."

"Thanks," I pocket the card. I'll have to look into getting a cell phone or something.

"And Rachel," her voice cracks slightly, "I'm glad you're alive and...I'm so sorry for what happened."

"Wait, what?" I ask as she walks out the door, "What are you sorry about?"

She starts to wave me off again and then stops.

"Two more things," she calls over her shoulder, "don't give up on Tobias, he loves you more than you know. And head over The Gardens. We were there a lot so maybe you'll remember something."

Once more she waves, then gets in her car and drives away. I watch her go until the dust cloud disappears. What wasn't she telling me? And for that matter, who said anything about giving up? Obviously she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. I may be trying to figure out my next move right now, but I've every intention of fighting for the life I lost. I'll fight with everything I've got.

Oh well, at least she left me a new lead.

Going back inside I pull out a phone book and look up 'The Gardens'.

**x-x-x-x-x**

It didn't take me long to find out where The Gardens was located, but the bus ride over almost made me regret going. Although I hadn't dressed up any, there were a few tough looking guys who kept looking at me in a way that didn't make me think they just wanted my number. It irritated me, the way they were looking at me. I wasn't worried about them really. If they actually made any moves I could just morph to get away. But that thought irritated me too.

Damnit, why didn't I think of that sooner? I could have just turned into a bald eagle and flown. Oh well, no point now, I'm almost there. Irritated even more, I settle for pulling my baseball cap down lower over my eyes and zipping my jacket up higher.

Other than the unwelcome looks though, the trip is uneventful. I get off the bus in front of a large, friendly looking gate and follow the crowd. Soon I have a ticket, something else I wouldn't have needed had I flown, and I'm inside the park.

Wow this place is big. Rides everywhere. People everywhere. I can see why we would have spent a lot of time here; this place looks like a blast. Well, while I'm here I may as well enjoy myself. Who knows, maybe one of these rides will shake something loose.

**x-x-x-x-x**

I stumble off one of the roller coasters, my head whirling with a potent mixture of adrenaline and dizziness. For a minute I'm not sure if the ground is trying to jump out from under my feet or my feet are trying to jump out from under me. Eventually, though, everything stops spinning enough so I can walk somewhat straight.

Time for a break. I order myself a soda from a food stand and find a bench to sit on. It's been hours and, as much fun as I'm having, I'm not remembering anything. Okay, so I'm having a lot of fun although not one of these coasters is nearly as exciting as flying with Tobias. A pang of guilt shoots through me as I think about him. I should have waited to invite him along rather than just leaving a note.

Maybe he would know why Cassie sent me here. No, no. I have to do this on my own. I can't be relying on Tobias all the time.

Alright, enough messing around. I can see why a bunch of teenage kids would be here, but we hadn't just been teenage kids. We were Animorphs. So why would Animorphs come here often?

I look around, trying to find some sign. Maybe I should have gotten a park map. That probably would have helped. My eyes scan the crowd and I notice a little kid walking by with a stuffed panda as big as he is.

Oh, duh. I look in the direction he came from, finding the sign I'd been looking for. How had I not realized it sooner? Of course that's why we came here often. This place has a zoo.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Lions, tigers and bears. Oh my. I yawn. The little kids running around like maniacs are obviously having fun but I'm just bored. Sure the animals are cool and all, but I've been a lot of them...I think. This place definitely feels familiar, as do some of the animals, but nothing is happening.

No new memories.

God damnit.

I wish I knew what other animals I can become. Maybe morphing will trigger something. Just seeing these animals obviously isn't working. I yawn again. When I get back to the house I'll just have to start trying to turn into different creatures until I stumble across a few I can actually do.

Perhaps I'll head out then. It's getting late and it's clear I'm not going to remember anything here. Oh well, another somewhat dead end. I'll just swing by the bears again before I go, the grizzlies were kinda cool. And the gift shop of course, maybe pick up a stuffed hawk for Tobias. He might find it funny.

Now where am I? Arctic animals so I have to go...left? I think. Might as well. Left is as good a way as any I suppose.

I just reach the area where the landscape starts to change to match the habitat of a different set of animals when I hear them.

Screams; from the way I just came from.

Before I even realize what I'm doing I turn and retrace my steps. A mob of people are running towards me, which probably means I should be going the other way. I continue forward.

As I approach the arctic habitat again I notice that the ground is wet, a shallow layer of water coating it. Here and there I spot bits of broken glass, almost invisible in the clear liquid. A small, red tinted stream flows through the flood: blood.

What the hell?

Through the din of screams and running feet, another sound reaches my ears: crying. I turn towards the source and find two small children - a boy and a girl about four or five years old - huddled in a corner, howling for their mother. I hurry over to them.

"Are you two okay?" I ask.

"I want my mommy!" the girl wails, her brother unable to form words through his tears.

"Come on then," I hold out my hand, "lets go find her."

The boy starts to take my hand and then stops, his eyes opening wide as he stares past me.

"Teddy!" he points behind me, not nervous in the slightest.

Teddy? I groan. Vaguely I hear someone scream and a chill shoots up my spine. Slowly I turn around.

At first all I see is white streaked with red. Then I notice the two dark eyes and a black nose. My eyes refocus and a large section below the nose splits open to reveal several dozen yellow fangs.

With a snarl the creature lifts it's twelve something plus hundred pounds onto its hind legs and stares at me. My blood freezes as I stare back at it, my mind all but blank. For a moment a single thought is all I can form as the polar bear and I watch each other: not again. I've been here before, I'm certain. But the specifics float just outside my reach.

With a start my body comes back to life. Fight or run? Run, definitely run. Only, the kids...I can't run. So fight, but how? Doesn't matter. No choice. Have to fight.

"Stay behind me," I whisper to the two children, not looking away from the bear to see if they heard.

A picture forms in my mind and is gone too quickly for me to even register what it was. That's fine. My body knows. The changes have already begun. The only real question now is whether or not I'll have enough time.

"No," a small voice, my voice, whispers in my head, "No time. No time. Out of time."

Deep inside my mind, something cracks.


	10. More Than My Own Life

So I realized I suck at math. There is _now_ one more chapter and then the epilogue.

Everything's written, I just need to type it all up and edit it now, so keep an eye out for the end of this little tale in the next few days!

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

The trip back to the house isn't long enough but by the time I get there I feel as if I've swallowed a stone. A very large stone at that.

I know this is the right thing to do. But sending her with Tom five years ago had also been the right thing to do. Not for her, of course, but for the world. Didn't make it any easier to swallow then and it hadn't been my decision.

For the first time I understand exactly what that choice cost Jake.

Now here I am, years later, in his shoes. I have to let Rachel go. At least this time it's what's right for her. Still doesn't make it any easier.

It nearly killed me, watching her die. I don't know what letting her go will do to me. But that's just selfish. This won't kill anyone, however painful it will be. Besides, she's alive! That's all I've wanted for these past five years: to be able to see her smile again...even if I can't stay with her.

She deserves a second chance. Of all of us she deserves a chance at a normal life. But that can't happen so long as I'm around. I who am a constant reminder of the life she lost. I owe this to her. For all she gave me, it's time I gave her something in return.

Maybe someday...but no. No. No use hoping for a dream that can never be. She's alive. That will be enough.

It has to be enough.

I drop to the ground and begin to morph. Might as well get this over with. I should stay hawk. As a human I might not be able to...but she needs to know I'm serious. Just a quick goodbye and good luck and I'll leave and never come back. Never look back.

"Rachel?" I call as I enter the house. Maybe I should have knocked? But the house is quiet, she doesn't respond.

"Rachel?" I call again and wander through the rooms. There's no one here though and I find out why in the kitchen. Stuck to the refrigerator with a bear shaped magnet is a note in Rachel's tiny, neat handwriting:

_Tobias-_

_ I'm sorry I've been distant these past few days and I want you to know it's not because of anything you did. I've just had a lot I need to think about. I'm sorry, I should be telling you this in person but you've been giving me the space I needed. Thank you for that. Anyway, maybe you won't even see this._

_ Cassie stopped by. It didn't jog anything loose but she suggested I go check out The Gardens. So that's where I've gone. Join me?_

_ My gut tells me that you've been brooding, like me I suppose. Whatever you decide though, please talk to me first, okay? This isn't just about you or me. It's about us._

_ It's weird right now, I know, but I'm not giving up. So don't you either. I will get my memory back. I need to know why I told you yes that night. I'm not questioning that choice, I just...I know I didn't start off loving you like this and I feel cheated. Cheated because we had this whole life together and I can't remember any of it!_

_ I feel strange. It's only been two weeks since we met, again for you I know but it feels like the first time for me...my memory of that night aside. Two weeks though and already I think I've...well I think I'm falling for you. Maybe I've gotten more of my memory back than I realize?_

_ I suppose it doesn't really matter if these feelings are from now or then. You're supposed to be in my life. And I want to be in yours. So please, give me a little more time. I'll try not to keep you waiting too long._

_Love, Rachel_

I swear she can read my mind sometimes. How did she know exactly what to say? I'd been ready to leave, to let her go, and somehow she'd been able to say the right words to completely destroy my resolve.

Fine, I'll stay if that's what she wants. I owe her a lot after all and if what she wants in return is me then I'll happily give myself to her.

I shake my head to dispel the tears that had been threatening to overflow. The Gardens huh? I wonder what Cassie said.

Heading back outside, I demorph. In the air again I turn towards a place I haven't visited in a long time.

I have a date. Maybe there is hope for us.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The Gardens are as busy as ever. How in the world am I going to find Rachel in all these people? Of course, this late in the day she may not even be here any more. After all, I don't have any idea when she left that note. But my gut tells me that she's still here...somewhere.

I see plenty of blond haired girls about the right age but none of them are Rachel. So I ride the thermals, scanning the crowds and the rides...

Wait a minute. Cassie must have sent her here because she thought it would jog her memory. But we'd never spent much time in the Park...we were always at the zoo. Surely Rachel figured that out as well...or maybe Cassie gave her more specific instructions than I'd been left.

A few small adjustments and I'm drifting over the wildlife habitats. Although this isn't much smaller an area to search, the zoo is considerably less busy so hopefully I'll be able to find her easier.

Now where is she?

Down below I notice something odd. A lot of people are hurrying in the same direction. Some are flat out running. That's when I hear the screams.

I groan. At least I know where Rachel will be if she's here. I head towards where the screaming is loudest, searching the ground as I do. Within seconds I discover what all the noise is about.

My body freezes, the hawk the only reason I stay air-born. The girl I love more than my own life is backed into a corner, locked in a stare down with a massive polar bear, trying to protect two small children.

For a moment I'm back aboard the pool ship, watching helpless as Rachel fights for her life - a fight we both know she's going to lose. All I can do is watch, tears blurring my eyes, as she stares defiantly at the morphed controller about to kill her. I knew she was trying hard to be brave, trying to pretend she wasn't scared. But in the last second before she died the mask shattered and all I saw was pure terror in her face.

No! Nonononono! Not again! I will not watch her die again! I shake myself from my stupor, fold my wings and dive.

[Rachel!] I scream, the hawk screaming with me. She's morphing but there's no way she's going to make it in time; I can see the polar bear's muscles bunching to strike. I'm not going to make it...

I scream again and the bear pauses and...yes!

My wings flare and I rake my talons forward just as the polar bear looks up. My talons come away bloody and the bear roars in pain, one of its eyes destroyed.

I quickly flap for some altitude and dive again. Climb, dive, climb, dive. I'm not getting anywhere near the height I need to do any more real damage but that's fine. I just need to distract it long enough for Rachel to finish morphing.

Climb, dive, climb dive.

Climb, WUMPH! The polar bear's paw smashes into me, sending me tumbling to the ground. Agony seers through me as I hear my bones snap and I scream once more. Gotta morph. Gotta distract it till Rachel...

The changes start before I even realize I'd picked a form, but slowly my human features emerge. Why had I picked human? Doesn't matter, I won't make it. The polar bear is standing over me. Human or bird, I don't stand a...

A loud bellow shakes the ground and a brown wall slams into the polar bear, knocking it off its paws. Through my dulling vision I watch Rachel, in full grizzly bear morph, charge after her downed foe.

Fast as I can, I finish my morph and scramble out of the way, dragging the two kids Rachel had been protecting with me, as the two bears wrestle across the wet ground.

I get the kids to a group of onlookers a hundred or so yards away and then sprint back despite several people yelling at me to stay. Moments after I arrive the fight ends as one of Rachel's paws connects with the polar bear's head with a sickening crunch. The bear drops like a one and a half ton bag of cement.

There really had been no other way the fight could have ended. With its injuries the polar bear didn't have a chance against Rachel in grizzly morph. Still, I let out a breath I didn't realized I'd been holding.

"Rachel? Are you okay?" I ask quietly. She stands there, breathing heavily but her ears perk up as she hears me approach.

She whirls on me, lets out a bellow and charges. Oh no...I forgot she hasn't morphed her grizzly in a long time...she's lost control. I plant my feet, don't move and meet the bear's gaze with my own. Being a predator myself I know the absolute worst thing I can do is turn and run. Only the weak run and those that are weak are prey.

The grizzly stops short in front of me, stamps its paws and bellows. Saliva hits my face and it's breath blows my hair wildly but I continue to stare it down. It's confused by my behavior. It knows how strong it is, how much larger it is than I am. But I don't run and it doesn't understand why.

"Rachel, listen to me," I say quietly so I don't spook her, "It's me, Tobias. You've morphed your grizzly bear and have lost control of it."

The bear watches me. But whether it's still confused or just trying to figure me out I don't know.

"Rachel, retake control," I take a deep breath as the bear sticks its nose in my face, sniffing me, "focus Rachel. You're a sixteen year old girl with blond hair and blue eyes who loves shopping and flying with me."

The bear lifts itself up on its hind legs to look at me and stops. Its eyes widen.

[To...Tobias?] Rachel's confused and horrified voice fills my head.

"Rachel," I sigh and she starts to lower herself back down.

It takes me a moment to register the rifle crack.

"You idiot! I said don't shoot!" a familiar voice yells from behind me. I barely hear it. I'm too busy staring at the small hole that has appeared in Rachel's chest.

"Rachel!" I scream as she slumps forward. I wrap my arms around her neck and her weight forces me to the ground.

"Rachel? Rachel! Demorph!" I nearly shriek, trying to hold her head so I can look her in the eyes.

[Tobias?] she asks, her voice sounding distant, detached.

"Rachel, you listen to me!" I shake her as best I can, "I did not wait five years for you only to have you die on me again! I'm not giving up on you so don't you quit on me. Now demorph!"

A groan escapes her throat but the changes start, even as a large amount of blood begins to pool around us. She demorphs, slowly - excruciatingly slowly. Gradually the bear melts away, leaving behind a shivering Rachel. Her eyes find mine for a moment and then her face turns green. Seconds later she pitches to the side and I hold her hair back as she throws up into the pool of blood.

It doesn't take long for her to empty her stomach and once she does I pull her back into my arms as she shivers and sobs.

"It's going to be okay," I whisper, my arms tightening around her, "it's going to be okay."

But I can see in her eyes that she can't hear me. She's far away, reliving another life. So I hold her and wait. Amidst a pool of blood and vomit, with emergency workers trying to see if we're injured, I wait for her to come back to me.

Like I did before.

Like I know I always will.


	11. No Amount of Time Will Ever Be Enough

So I almost ended this at the last chapter. It would have been a great way to leave it. But, I didn't, so final chapter before the epilogue! We're almost done!

P.S. Yes I realize I stole the title of this chapter from Twilight...once again, bite me =P

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

I'm not sure how I got back to the house, Cassie's old house, but when I wake up that's where I am. The last thing I remember is...well, I wince, everything. My family, the war, dying, me. More importantly though...

"Tobias?" I look around the room, squinting in the dim light. I don't have to look long, he sits on the back of a chair, watching me.

[How are you feeling?] he asks, already morphing.

Rather than answer, I wait until he's fully human then throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. For a moment I can feel his surprise but it quickly passes and he kisses me back, his own arms wrapping tightly around me.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"I take it your memory returned," he chuckles when we come up for air some time later.

"Yeah...all of it," I shudder as I recall that terrifying time after the Ellimist left me.

"Bad?" he whispers, his arms tightening around me.

"Real bad," I whisper back and then laugh. We've had this conversation before, but with our roles reversed.

"I'm not going to ask," he says after a minute, "but if you decide you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"Thanks," I kiss him, "but I'd really rather forget."

The irony.

We don't move for a while but eventually he shifts slightly and I groan.

"You have to demorph don't you."

"Yeah, give me a minute," he disentangles himself from me and I sigh.

"We should probably get ready, face the world and all," I sigh again, starting to get up, "how long was I asleep? What's going on?"

"Three days," he answers once he's human again, "and the world can wait."

He pushes me back down, his lips already on mine. Somehow I don't have the will to argue.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Eventually we emerge, more or less ready to see what the world has been up to the past three days. Cassie is waiting for us, having been at the zoo when the polar bear broke loose.

It's slightly awkward seeing her, now that my memory has returned. If not for her the Yeerks would not have gotten the morphing cube and I might never have had to go on that suicide mission. Never would have died and been forced to...

But that's the past. I knew her well enough to know she hadn't done what she did to hurt me. She had been trying to protect someone she cared about. I can empathize with that.

Just because I understand, though, doesn't make it less awkward. Still we hug and talk and it's almost like old times. The years certainly haven't given her a sense of fashion for one.

A lot of friends trickled in over the next few days. Naturally someone had recorded the battle with the polar bear and it had become serious news. It didn't take long after that for people to figure out who I was. And if the media wasn't already having a field day with the zoo battle, they went absolutely nuts when they realized I was a war hero somehow back from the grave.

Ax sent a message apologizing for not being able to come right away but expressing his joy at my no longer being dead. He promised he would visit as soon as his duties and z space allowed. Prince Ax...that was going to take some getting used to.

Marco shows up at almost the same time as Ax's message. He's grown up. Sorta. Much to his irritation he discovers that he's still shorter than me, despite having gotten taller. But he quickly proves that he really hasn't changed all that much when, with an apology to Tobias, he kisses me. Not a friendly "nice to see you again" kiss either. I wait for him to finish, silently listing the ways I can kill him.

"Nothing?" he asks, once he lets me go, grinning like an idiot.

I deck him across the jaw and then we both burst out laughing. Tobias is less amused but even he has a small smile tugging at his lips.

"Man, I never thought I'd say this but I missed you Xena," his grin falters for a moment and some of the joking leaves his voice, "when you...well, lets just say it's a good thing we won that day because what happened to you broke us. So seriously, I'm glad you're back."

And then he does something I'd only ever seen him do once before though I hadn't been on the receiving end the first time. He hugs me and cries.

"Don't tell anyone I said that...or did that," he grins again once he collects himself, "I have a reputation to keep up after all."

We laugh. It feels good to be able to do that again after all we've been through. Marco and I had never been close. We hadn't even been friends really. We'd been fellow soldiers, nothing more. Now perhaps, maybe we can be friends. Especially since he isn't nearly as obnoxious as he used to be.

As people visit I'm offered numerous opportunities to appear on talk shows and awards ceremonies and such. Some I accept. I don't particularly like living off of Tobias' money...not that he's complaining...but I feel like I'm taking advantage of him. So the appearances that pay well I take. The rest I politely decline. Even with the few I do accept, I soon have a nice amount tucked away.

Among my first visitors are my family. My dad shows up almost before the news stations has finished cutting together the zoo story. He's followed shortly by my sisters and my mother. We all cry and hug and even my parents are civil with one another. Apparently my death has gone a long way in mending some of the animosity between them, though I don't think it's enough to get them back together again.

It's my mother, ever the lawyer, who first asks the question I can't answer.

"Rachel, honey, I'm so happy you're okay," she starts to cry, "and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but how? I saw you...how?"

I look away. I want to tell her the truth. She would probably be able to understand it after what she went through at the end of the war. But I can't.

"It's a big universe," I say quietly, evading the question, "besides, I had a promise to keep."

With the last part I glance over to Tobias where he stands watching me. We haven't been apart since my memory returned. He looks at me, smiles and gives the slightest nod in answer to my unasked question. My heart leaps.

"Later," he mouths and I realize he's referring to more than just my question. I nod slightly in return. Yes I'll tell him everything later.

Eventually the visit I've been dreading arrives. Jake. As awkward as Cassie had been, this is even more-so. He's aged. The sixteen year old boy I knew is long gone: replaced instead by a man much older than his twenty-one years.

We stand silently for a while, just looking at each other. What do you say to the person who sent you to die?

I don't know how much time passes before he takes a step forward and carefully hugs me, as if afraid I might break. Then I get the next surprise since Marco. Jake loses it. For a moment I stand there, my shock mirrored on Tobias' face, as Jake sinks to the ground, clutches me around my waist and breaks down.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeats over and over.

I drop to my knees and hug him. When he gave me that last mission I'd told him I'd understood. I'd hated him for it, but I'd understood. Now, watching him cry like this I realize what that decision had done to him. Neither the hatred I nor Tobias felt for him for what he did is anything compared to what he feels for himself.

After crying himself out he stays for a while and we talk. It's still awkward though and he soon leaves. Although my being alive again and his apology greatly helped matters, it isn't enough to heal the rift between us. Only time can possibly do that, though to be honest I'm not even sure that will be enough.

Things calm down after a while and Tobias and I are left alone. Cassie and her parents had signed the deed to the house over to us since they had no intention of doing anything with it now. So I went back to my renovations. It was good to have a hobby while I figured out what to do with the rest of my life. And it gave me time to get my thoughts in order on how to tell Tobias what I hadn't been able to tell my parents.

It takes me a few weeks to figure out what to say and by then I'm running out of time. I'm on a deadline and it's nearly here. I need to tell him.

"Can we talk?" I ask one night while we relax under the stars after an evening of flying.

"Uh-oh," Tobias chuckles and looks at me, "what did I do?"

"It's what I did actually," I laugh, taking his hand, "remember that question my mom asked?"

He nods and squeezes my hand. He hasn't said anything more about it since it happened but I know he's been itching for me to explain.

"Well, it's a weird story," I start, "but I swear it's true."

"Rachel, our story is a weird one," he laughs, "so just tell me. I'm not going anywhere."

So I do. It takes me the night but I tell him everything I can't tell anyone else: what it was like to die, how scared I was when I began to forget, the story of the one who saved me, the reason for my memory loss, the deal I'd made to come back and the future I'd accepted because of it.

When at last I finish I watch him carefully, wondering what his reaction will be. In truth, part of me is more than a little afraid of what it might be.

"Jeeze Rachel," he shakes his head and laughs, "Why am I not surprised?"

"What?" I'd been expecting yelling and cursing. A lot of things really, but not this.

"You weren't satisfied dying in one war so rather than relaxing in death you run off to find another one to fight," he laughs again and kisses my hand.

"It's not really a war," I point out, a little relieved that he's taking it so well.

"Yeah I know, you're a prison guard,"

"I'm not just a prison guard!"

"Ok, a glorified prison guard," he chuckles.

I pull away and turn my back on him, more than a little annoyed. To think this is the person I eagerly sold my soul to be with!

He slides up behind me and wraps me in a tight hug. When I don't respond he presses a kiss to the side of my neck. I sigh. Fine, I guess I can't stay mad at him.

"How long," he asks quietly, the playfulness gone from his voice.

"I don't know," I answer in an equally quiet voice, "not much more than fifty years, if that."

"Fifty years?" he winces, "That's all the time I get with you and then you're off to play soldier for eternity?"

"Tobias, no!"

"It's not enough," he growls, his arms tightening around me, "how could you think I'd be satisfied with so little time?"

My heart swells and I squirm in his arms till I'm facing him.

"Do you think I'm happy with so little time either?" I grab his face in my hands so he can't look away, "I want forever too."

"And yet you're going to leave," he's trying hard to hide the misery in his voice. Fifty years is more than we would have had had I not...but I want more than that as much as he does.

"No I'm not!" I yell at him, "Why do you think I told you all this? To hurt you?"

He glares at me for a minute and then drops his eyes.

"It doesn't have to be just fifty years," I whisper.

"What do you mean Rachel?" he looks back at me and I can see the hope in his eyes, "You just said..."

"Tobias," I take a deep breath, "the reason I was able to tell you all this is because my Boss has an offer for you too."


	12. No Regrets

Ok here it is, the epilogue! I have to say, this fic turned out to be considerably longer than I'd planned it to be. I'd only intended 5 or so chapters but here we are, more than double that. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing!

The usual copyright BS. I don't own Animorphs and I ain't makin any money off this.

~The Last Ronin~

"I still wish you'd tell me how you did it," Erek the Chee complains, "I can't find any records at all on that symbol you two have on your shoulders."

I laugh. We have this conversation every hundred years or so.

"I've already told you Erek," Tobias laughs with me, "death didn't agree with Rachel, and I go where she goes."

Our legs dangle off the edge of the cliff and I slide a little closer to my husband. He smiles at me and wraps an arm around my waist.

"You two are impossible," Erek throws up his hands.

"You're not going to find any information on The Eye either," Tobias adds as Erek starts to leave, "so you might as well give it up."

The Chee's face lights up. Every so often one of us lets a little more information drop for Erek. Not that it'll help him. There are few records on The Guard and fewer yet on our Boss. This is largely because it's one of The Guard's functions to eliminate such records. Anonymity is our first line of defense, just like it had been for us Animorphs so long ago.

To that end, we're really not allowed to give mortals any information about us. But our Boss actually likes Erek, although Erek himself is completely unaware that they've even met, so we're permitted to drop hints here and there.

I think our Boss wants to recruit Erek actually. The only reason Erek hasn't been recruited, that I'm aware of anyway, is the problem of him having no real soul to speak of. Souls can be bound to our Boss and taken from this universe to the next. Circuitry can't.

"I'll see you two later," Erek turns to go again, "maybe I'll figure out what this "Eye" is by then."

"Good luck!" Tobias calls and then grows silent as he watches our old friend leave.

"Do you regret it?" I ask quietly, knowing his thoughts are on our friends and family - from back when we were still mortal. He still sometimes jokes that I can read his mind, but really it's just that we've been together so long; he seemingly reads my mind as often as I do his.

"I'd do it all again given the choice," he leans against me and squeezes my hand, "do you?"

My answer is the same as his of course, but still I pause, my mind drifting back to our mortal life.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The first few years after my memory returned were hard. I often woke up screaming and sweating from nightmares of the time I died or from any number of our close calls during the war. But Tobias' arms around me never failed to bring me back, nor did he complain about his disturbed sleep.

A month after joining The Guard, Tobias proposed to me for the second time. For the second time I said yes. This time, however, I got a ring. Not that I'd ever needed one. I think Tobias just wanted the world to know that I was his and I couldn't really complain about that.

We went to collage and finished school before we married; in part due to my mother's request and in part so that our friends and family could get used to our new appearances. Part of our signing bonus, as it was, was that Tobias' human form was restored as his real form and both of us were aged to the point we would have been had he not been trapped and I not died.

That was a relief. I'd been tired of people looking at me like I was a pedophile when I introduced Tobias as my boyfriend. But it was awkward for a while too: first explaining what had happened to everyone without telling them exactly what had happened. Second was the fact that our rapid aging had kicked our hormones into overdrive. For a long time we had a lot of difficulty keeping our hands off each other for more than a few minutes at a time. Actually, I'm still not entirely certain how I managed to make it to our wedding without getting pregnant.

Our wedding was an extraordinary event the likes of which I doubt had, or has, ever been seen. The guest list included humans, Hork Bajir, Andalites, Chee. Even the Ellimist showed up according to our Boss, though he hadn't made himself known. And of course, that meant our Boss was there too...maybe that's where he met Erek?

Jake and I were more or less on speaking terms again though the tension between us never really vanished. And Cassie and I renewed our friendship though, again, we were never as close as we had been.

Marco was another story. The two us had become quiet close over the years since I came back. In fact, if he didn't know any better, Tobias might have been jealous. Not that he had anything to worry about. Marco and I were close but in a "sibling we'd never had" way. He was a blessing for both of us though. There was just too much that had happened during the war that we couldn't really talk about with those who hadn't been there.

The biggest surprise we had was an unexpected guest. Elfangor. Through some bit of sorcery, my deceased soon-to-be father-in-law was allowed to attend. Whether it was the Ellimist or our Boss though I still don't know and if Elfangor knew himself he didn't say.

Our honeymoon was nothing short of a fiasco. I'd never actually thought that "everything that could possibly go wrong" was more than a cynic phrase before those two weeks. After the first couple of days we just gave up and settled for laughing at every new catastrophe.

About the only thing that did go right in those two weeks was that we got started on a family of our own. We both wanted children and our fifty years, sixty actually - our Boss gave us a decade as a wedding present -, were ticking away.

Alan Aximili was born nine months later and I can scarcely remember a happier moment in my life. Tobias had looked...well I don't actually know a good enough word to describe how he looked.

Next came David and Tobias didn't question my reason for that name. David was my one secret from the war that I'd never told anyone. I think Tobias knew anyway, but if he did he never mentioned it.

Finally was our daughter Hope, after which I threatened to neuter my husband with a dull spoon if he ever got me pregnant again. Three times was enough.

The years slipped away happily. Our children grew and eventually started families of their own.

The war was forgotten save in the hearts and minds of those left who lived it. Our family was only ever really reminded of it when Ax or Marco visited...or the times when they caught Tobias and I morphing birds to slip away for a while.

But we never forgot, the war or the people we lost because of it. It was always in our thoughts, even during the happiest of times.

A few times our kids wondered if maybe I needed help; on occasions when I was more lost in memories of the war than usual or woke up screaming when one nightmare or another made a reappearance. Tobias just glared at them. For all the years he'd been human he could still glare like a hawk.

Our grandchildren were fascinated by the war; amazed that they were related to Rachel the Phoenix - a nickname cooked up by some journalist after I came back. They always wanted to hear stories. Often times it was painful, but I told them what I could - only slightly worried by what they would take from those tales.

Not that I had to worry really. The war had been so long ago at that point that there was no way they could possibly understand. But I was glad for that fact. It made everything we did feel worthwhile.

Our time ran down until at last we could feel The Guard calling for our return.

We gathered our family together to say our goodbyes. Our children half thought we were crazy, but they humored us.

"Mom, Dad? Are you sure you're not just tired? You look fine," Hope asked, her voice laced with worry, and I hugged her tightly.

"Don't be scared." I kissed her, "A long time ago I made a deal with someone. It's just time for me to pay up."

"Dad?" Alan looked at us, "You know this sounds crazy. Why are you going along with this?"

"Well, your mother was always crazy," Tobias winked at me, I giggled like I was ten years old again, and pointed to his wedding ring, "but I made a promise to her. Where she goes, I go."

"Dad," David began but Tobias waved him quiet.

"Kids," he said slowly, "you know the stores we told you about the war. You've seen your Uncle Ax and you've seen us morph. You know we weren't lying about any of that. We haven't always told you everything, but we have never lied to you."

They stare at us and I can see realization slowly sinking in. We should probably go before the tears really start. I don't know if I can bear to say goodbye to someone I care about while they're crying again.

"You ready?" Tobias whispers, holding out his hand.

"Let's do it!" I laughed and took his hand as The Guard reclaimed us.

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Rachel?" Tobias' voice startles me out of my day dream.

"Huh? What?" I mumble, blinking to be sure I'm awake.

"Enjoy your trip down memory lane?" he teases and kisses me.

"Mmhmm," I reply, kissing him back.

"So you didn't answer my question," he gives me a little poke in my side to make sure I'm listening, "do you regret it?"

"No," I shake my head, my blond hair flying about, "I get to spend eternity with my best friend. What's to regret?"

He smiles and kisses me again. No I don't regret one day of the time I've spent loving him. I should tell him that, but the way his eyes still gleam when he looks at me says he already knows, and that he feels the same way too.


End file.
